The No Complaining Course for Travelers: Advanced Level

I have been providing advice on how to deal with complaints and how this behavior affects the travel experience. Like I have said before,  I do believe unconstructive complains (involving attacks, insults, manipulation, etc.) do not bring anything positive to the travel experience.  We are all guilty of complaining.  But there is a difference between being dissatisfied with something and being a chronic nagger. 

The first part of this course talked about what is a complaint, why we do complain and how complains affect the travel experience negatively.  The second part explored how to deal with unconstructive complaining and how to complain in the best way possible.  This is the third and final part of the course in here I will discuss what to do if you are the target of complaints and what to do instead of complain.

Once you are done reading this, you should be a pro at handling complaints.

What if you are the target of unconstructive complaints?

You may not be a complainer but what to do if you live, work or travel with a complainer ?  If you are in a position where you have power to solve a complainer’s problem, here is some advice:

• Develop excellent listening skills.  It is really important to listen to the person who is complaining.  This may sound easy to do but in reality it can be difficult to practice (especially if the complainer is in a bad mood).   If you are in a position where you receive constant complaints, it is of supreme importance for you to develop good listening skill.  To listen is also important because it gives you clues on how to resolve the complainer’s problem. 
• Do not interrupt.  This goes together with listening.  Let the complainer talk without interruptions.  This shows interest in what the person wants to say and shows them respect. 
• Repeat details to make sure you understand the situation.
• Control your emotions.  Not all complainers are going to talk to you with the desire of presenting a constructive complaint.  It is highly probably that they will act as persistent complainers do.  They will go to you and start to criticize, blame you for their situation, attack you personally, threat you and impose their demands.  If you want to solve the situation you will need to control your temper and act with grace and understanding.  If you are not able to control yourself, the conflict may escalate to the next level.  Do not take anything personal and try to guide the person to a good resolution. 
• Stay positive.  Maybe after listening to the complainer’s story, you will realize that you are not going to be able to give to the complainer what he or she wants. 

As said before, sometimes when people complain, they are not realistic and they ask for things that cannot be obtained.  Or you may discover that they are the problem and you cannot really help them if they do not help themselves.  However, you may be able to find ways to handle the complaint efficiently by finding some positive action.  Maybe you can grant some of the requests but not all of them.  Or you may interchange some requests for your own solutions.  Brainstorming is of great help in situations like this. 

• Be honest.  Be honest if you feel you cannot really help the complainer.  Refer the person to somebody that can help. 
• Accept any responsibility.  If you are a part of the complainer’s problem accept your responsibility and recognize that you need to evaluate your attitudes about the situation.  Do not respond to the complaint by escalating the situation, avoiding the conflict or being totally unresponsive.  Instead try to work through the complaint to manage the dissatisfaction or discomfort. 

What  to do in the case when you do not have any power to solve a complainer’s problem?  For example, how would you deal with a coworker who is constantly complaining about his assignments, the boss or other coworkers?  You cannot really do a lot for this person because you do not have any power over his assignments or the people he work with.  In the other hand, you do not want to listen to this person constantly.  I have done research to try to find information about how to deal with a similar situation.  I was not able to find a lot of information.  I basically found this article called “How to handle chronic complainers”, where the author cites several strategies that people use against complainers.  In his opinion none of them work.  Here they are:

• Cheering complainers.  The complainer may feel that you are not taking him or her seriously and he will try really hard to convince you how bad his situation is.
• Suggesting solutions.  Complainer’s problems are really serious, at least for them.
• Telling them to quit complaining.
• Complaining about the complainer.
• Ignoring them or avoiding them.  Complainers will crave for attention even more.
• Complaining along with them.
• Confronting them.

The author of the article states that the only approach that works is to show empathy to the complainer.  By empathy he means to show the complainer that you understand his situation and recognize that is difficult for him.  This doesn’t mean that you are going to agree the person has a huge problem or that you are going to feel sorry for the person.  The author states that there is no guarantee that this tip will make complaints go away but at least is going to help you to keep yourself out of the vicious cycle of complaining.  I think his view on how to deal with complainers is interesting and that is why I decided to include this information in the here.

Alternatives: What to do instead of complaining?

• Practice gratitude – people who are grateful and count blessings are happier.  It is impossible to complain when you feel satisfied.
• Praise others – focus on what other do well instead of just think about what they do wrong.  In the same line, try to see the positive in every situation. 
• Focus on success – At the end of the day, think about what you accomplished and what you did right.  That will help you to prepare for the next day.  You may be able to find solutions in that way.
• Let go – focus on what you can control and forget about what you don’t have power to change.

The Three No-Complaining Tools

• The But → Positive Technique. This simple strategy helps you turn your complaints into positive thoughts, solutions, and actions. It works like this. When you realize you are complaining, you simply add the word but and then add a positive thought or positive action.
• Focus on “Get To” instead of “Have To.” Too often we complain and focus on what we have to do. We say things like “I have to go to work.” “I have to drive here.” “I have to do this or that.” Instead, shift your perspective and realize it’s not about having to do anything. You get to do things. You get to live this life. You get to go to work while so many are unemployed. You get to drive in traffic while so many don’t even have a car or are too sick to travel. Focus on what you get to do.  Focus on feeling blessed instead of stressed. Focus on gratitude.
• Turn Complaints into Solutions. The goal is not to eliminate all complaining. The intent is to eliminate the kind of mindless complaining that doesn’t serve a greater purpose and allow complaining that is justified and worthwhile. The opposite of mindless complaining is justified complaining. The former is negative and the latter is positive. The different is intent. With mindless complaining, you are mindlessly focusing on problems; however, with justified complaining you identify a problem, and the complaint moves you toward a solution. Every complaint represents an opportunity to turn a negative into a positive.

Note: This section was taken word by word from The No Complaining Rule book website.  This website distributes free material related with the book. http://www.jongordon.com/documents/NCR-Poster-3NoComplainingTools.pdf

 Conclusion

This serie of posts has helped me to gain deep understanding about the complaining subject.  I was able to identify myself with some of the descriptions of persistent complainers.  Gladly, I have learned a lot of techniques on how to change some of my unconstructive behavior.  It was interesting to learn how complaints, when constructed correctly, may help to create positive change.  It was also interesting to learn how to replace complaining with gratefulness.  If you are grateful for what you have, there is no room in your life for unconstructive complaints.  Remember that is fine to be happy with what we have but not with whom we are.  There is always room for improvement. We definitely should consider vanishing from our lives unconstructive complaints and replacing them with positive approaches.